inability to write, feel, see nor comprehend.

closer to the verge
simply just moving further and further away
filled with a sense of dread and anger
circular thoughts
love simply complicate the whole logical sequence

 Felt very bad the whole morning went the way it did
yet just wanting to let all frustration pain sorrow whatever badness
out and never let it plague me again
I refuse to accept hence
love simply complicate the whole logical sequence of things
and i couldn't even fathom exactly if my love is not complicate
by the fact that being with you has made me lost sense of who i am
or that i love you untainted pure and simple.

 i am sorry i hate myself for making you so late for work affect your whole work day. i hate myself and i cannot explain away this bad behaviour.
 i hate myself for wanting you to give me the consolation i need if only for the moment to suppress my hurt.

you are the shiny girl
surrounded with shiny objects and shiny friends
i can get so close but never close enough
you are the shiny girl that took my heart
and encased it in a diamond box
i can only look but never see

 

maybe if we were to spend some time together
we would recapture how we felt about each other

maybe we would remember to recapture
each other and cherish our love for each other

strangely enough
was reminded of kohi jiko-
the slow drip of time
a persistent aroma
relentlessly brew of
the wordless
love spoke

its time to dig all these movies out

---

glad everything is going smoothly for you.
keep cool drink lots of fluids

---

was really suprise to see you online.
you would never know.

watched as you pack
a little worried
just for all the small things
but i know you will have
a safe and fruitful trip
do not worry about the babies
take care

woke up really early today
it was raining a little
felt really restless
a panic of sorts
fretting about little useless things
started to systematically chew my nails

started the painful process
of shredding old photos
looked at some of the pictures
and thought about the girl
in the picture
they all went down the
shredder
maybe its better not
to remember anything
if only life could be put through the shredder
perhaps i would feel less restless

 

before i started blogging,
i turned on the computer
and lay out the wires the way you like
unfathomable actions

it is with lots of selfishness
that i asked for three months
because three months and i would
have fulfilled all duties

three months to be your ideal girl
three months to exchange the bad
for good memories
three months to hold you
knowing that there can be nothing more
to believe we defy the impossible

i saw your tears
three months is all
please understand
i know you hate me for asking
it doesn't make sense
to me that it is over
my heart felt too shattered 
i will ask no more
like the change of the season
three months due.

---

i know it is not possible
to take away all that has happened
all the pain, disillusion
and three months is perhaps a lie
more to me than to you
as you have always been the rational
knowing exactly
where you are in life
forgive me
it is the most selfish thing
to ask from you

to complete a three month walk with you
to nowhere except to find an end
and balance myself  to cope
i realise last night how little value
of my life there is i want
to love, to stop feeling
the highs and lows
i do not think it is pointless
because all this while
my life revolves around you
circling and tightening around us
and i want to cut away that circle
i understand it never what you want
nor ask from me

please let me go gently
that way i can hold you tightly
and let you go
it is precisely because neither of us are
robots that i want three months of your time

life door closes
three months to tie up all loose end. 
and clear the shadow of
my existence in your life
because i never intended to inflict upon you
hurt, pain nor suffocation

this is the deadline i am setting for myself
to complete all the things we
wanted from each other.

i thought about how serene my
sister has become with her pregnancy
even if reality is tough
i thought about how my dad who is ill
is nursing his dying wife
i thought about my mom
who despite her own disappointments in life
looking forward to the birth of her grandchild

Feeling very bleak
at moments and
had contemplated alot about death,
life and the urgency of life

Had foolishly needed a sense of immediate release
having been so paralysed by negativity & insecurities
I am learning to face myself
even to just get through a day
i know i will find my own strength
perhaps not now
but i will.

what started out as an extremely boring read
about a woman wrongly accused and
being on death row
her love letters to her husband
simple and direct
became quite comforting

An act of mediation on words and books
whenever i start reading
i always try to finish the whole book
from cover to back
even if its excruciatingly boring or not my thing
perhaps that's me
determine to see things through to its end

 

CP	Jul 15, 09
Is really a blessing to know you..actaully if given a choice i would want to know you when you are even at the age of 17? i believed the dynamic or story will totally be different if that were to happen. I hv no regret knowing you and wish that for the coming next two life time i will still want to get to know you and hv you as my partner. I Love u when u r blur, I love u when you laugh, I love u when you are reading a book, i love u when you are not doing anything and I just love you darling.

Cried when I saw your comment
because there will never be any regret knowing
you this lifetime or for any other lifetime
i love you with all your expression
i love you with all your optimism for life
i love you for who you are
you are the love of my lifetime.

 

' Hot tears roll from the sides of my eyes
and down my plumped cheeks,
which ache from smiling
and i squeeze them with my hands to stop.
It occurs to me how close happiness and sadness are.
So closely knitted together.
Such a thin line. 
a thread like divide that in the midst of emotions,
it trembles, blurring the territory of exact opposites. 
The movement is minute,
like a thin thread of a spider's web
that quivers under a teardrop....

How quickly a moment of love
was snapped away to a moment of hate. 
One comment to steal it all away. 
Of how love and war stand upon the same foundations. 

In my darkest moments,
my most fearful times,
when faced became my bravest. 
When feeling at your weakest
you end up showing more strength,
when at your lowest, are suddenly lifted
above higher than you've ever been.  
They all border one another,
those opposites and how quickly we can be altered. 
Despair can be altered by one simple smile offered
by a stranger; confidence can become fear
by the arrival of one uneasy presence. ..
 
A veil hangs between the two opposites,
a mere slip of a thing that is transparent
to warn us or comfort us. 
You hate now but look through
the veil and see the possiblity of love;
you are sad now but look through to the
other side and see happiness. 
Absolute composure to a complete mess-
it happens so quickly all in the blink of an eye.' 

- Thanks for the memories Cecelia Ahern