woke up repeatedly
and felt that the past two days
have been a daze
perhaps your are really just
a mirage of my mind
terrible feeling in stomach
and probably smoking too much
resolve not to think nor do anything
a day of nothing
little luxury to afford myself
day 1

' I lie in the skip, breathless,
heart beating at the speed of a humming bird's wing.
I'm like a child playing hide and seek
with intense nervous excitment rolling around my tummy;
like a dog on its back trying to rid itself of fleas.
Please don't find me.'  - Thanks for the memories Cecelia Ahern

was really tired and fell into an uneasy sleep
but somehow just woke up 
to my horror
it is 3:30.
sense of confusion sadness and apprehension
begin to flood all over me
no matter how i try not to think about it
i know that it would be impossible
wishing that there was someone to talk to
yet at the same time there was really nothing
more to talk about
treat it as a dream
all the love all the craziness
all the tears
gone in a single moment
too much too little
your presence lingers on
but with sixty seconds
three thirty would pass
and that moment that meant
anything would go away too.

social creatures
craving in some way or other to fit into a group
be with someone
feel a sense of belonging
have a purpose to be

the social outcast

Dear Blog
i was told to think about what i want
and any questions that I may have
what do i exactly want?
i know very clearly I love you
i want a certainty that we are onto a relationship
with clarity we are committed to make this work
knowing I have a home to go back to without a sense
of insecurity 
please realise it is as much my home as it is to you.
of course if things do not work grant me the dignity
to go by letting me have the time to shift out without feeling
that i am living on your charity.
during the course of a fight
i hope we can both be rational
if i let you cool off, can you let me cool off without feeling
i have to get lost, you feel pushed to a corner
and i have absolute dread I do not have a home
I want a relationship that is fair not base on fear
please hold it in your heart that i am your family
and not a person asked to come and go
please treat me as you would treat yourself
would you let yourself go through the constant misery of
feeling uncertain if you have a home? 
i know my temper is the worse of it kind
and i must learn to refrain from being
bothered by the smallest thing
i love you and we understand that
we see the best in each other
that is the love we have
please let our love be tough enough to ride out
our difficulties
let's be brave enough to
see through times of hardship
for each other.
please never make me feel i am embarking on anything
that matters on my own
even as we both know we are individual who
need to make decisions on our lives on our own.
please see that i respect you as you would respect me
i may never do things the way you deal with them but
please love me enough to respect me for my decisions and actions


 

the whale and the shark
fell in love in the ocean
everyone assumed that
the shark would attack the whale
but it never did
one day while they were swimming
towards the sunset
a strange sensation overwhelmed them
darkness surround them
when they woke up
the whale and the shark
were in an aquarium
but obviously they have no concept
what is an aquarium
they trashed franctically looking for each other
swooshing big puddle of water everywhere
much to the delight of the aquarium visitors.
Swoosh "where is shark?"
splatter "where is whale?"
the aquarium owners did not know
they were in love
and placed them in two different tanks
separated by glass
shark was delighted to see whale
and started to swim steadily towards whale
just as whale realise that shark was close by
just when they were to give each other their
oceanic embrace a loud bonk was heard
they forgot that they were separated by a glass
and so they swam  knocking their heads
in the hope of getting close to each other
circling the glass confused....

too exhausted to continue.....

i am the wrong girl
that disrupt your universe
and torment you
i am too close
causing discomfort
unable to provide
the smile to make the day

i am the wrong girl
that wishes to be the right girl
to fit into your scheme of world order

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as i browse through my blog
thinking about new beginning
perhaps we could still find something within us
to start afresh
to look beyond hurt
and anger
i am learning to see love beyond two
for all that exist there is a capability to love
in which that may be more important and precious
love transcend when all have failed

new beginnings 
watching it unfold

life changes and stay the same
 

Gus the working elephant sits with me as I blog

people seeking for unconditional love or 
pronounce their love as unconditional often attach 
terms and  conditions to their love-
'if your love is unconditional pay my debt,do my chores
and generally stay out of my way when i am having fun.'

else love often exist in a comparative mode
' i love you only if u love me
you are the love of my lifetime only
if i am the gem of your life'

Imagining a love that is not unconditional nor comparative
I love in spite of your notions
perhaps people aspire to be one unselfish love
loving for the best of the other
unfortunately the utternace of love is selfish
i love you
and there are conditions
and if you know my conditions
would your love still be comparative?

wondering about moments stuck in my mind
like bits of food stuck between teeth
uncomfortable, unsightly
wishing it would go away
a delicious meal  reduced to food bits
perhaps love is like a meal, at times nutritious
and nourishes our soul
even as there are bits that get
stuck with hunger that is fed
and ardor that has waned

the utterance of love
taken with a pinch of salt

I'm not trying to make you say or be anything you cannot be
I'm not trying to make you feel something you cannot feel
Then what are you trying to do

someone told me after the passing of so many years she realised
there was never exactly a fair chance given to that relationship
maybe a case of not trying hard enough or not communicating what either party wants
simply assuming that the other party knows exactly

she told me if i am serious about that person
we have to agree to be committed enough
to work past the anger and grievances
there is no more history but the now and future
letting the negative emotions go

i guess verbally and in thought we can all rationalised
and agree to that but when it comes to the daily
grind it becomes tough when either person is reluctant to move past 
the hurt.
I do not know if we reached a point where things are long overdued
I miss that sparkle in her eyes and easy closeness we had